I hate to admit this, but one of the reasons I’ve avoided things like women’s retreats and the “young families” class at my church is that I felt out of place as a working-mother-of-one in a sea of stay-at-home moms with 3-5 kids. So, I’ve probably missed out on great opportunities to make some good friends; but, I’ve also found several other good friends who made the same decision I’d made to work in the corporate sector. But they’re changing their minds now.
First, it was my former boss/friend/mentor. After rising through the ranks to the level of director at Dell – not an easy feat – she decided to exit. She’d been a big influence on my own decision to go ahead and have children because I saw her as an example of how you could have a successful career and family. And, there she was saying it was too much now with three young boys playing sports and being shuttled around to various activities. She’s consulting part-time now, but somehow it’s just not the same.
Then, it was one of my best friends. The mother of one of my daughter’s best friends with whom she’d been in preschool since she was two months old. The other working mother who planned to stop with just one kid while many around us continued to pop out more. My gym partner who pushes me to get in shape. She and her husband have purchased rights to a franchise and she’s planning to exit the corporate world to help get that business running as soon as school is out for summer. One of the big goals they have with this change is the ability for her to be there when their daughter comes home from school.
And now, over breakfast one day this week, my hubby shares that while golfing with the neighbor last weekend, he learned that his wife is now planning an exit, too. He’s transitioning to a new job and will have less time to help with the kids, so she’s looking to come home for that reason.
I’m not sure I want to step into the middle of the “Mommy Wars”, and I agree with Christine at The Bean Blog that it would be best if we didn’t care what people thought of our decisions; but, I’m starting to feel more and more alone in my circle of friends. I will certainly never say that being a mother is not a job in and of itself. I know it is because I have that job. And, I can’t say that there’s not a certain appeal to not having to juggle after-school, summers, school holidays and sick days with a demanding office job. But, I do also believe that a happy mom makes for happy kids – and it makes me happy to do what I do as my paying job.
My daughter seems to be smart and well-adjusted, so there are no signs that my theory is wrong (so far). So, why do I find myself avoiding getting close those mothers I know that stay at home? Why do I think they will judge me? Or pity my family because my world is not totally defined by being a mom? Oops. Did that last sentence just judge them? I think so.
So, while nowhere near as major an issue as race relations is – witnessed by the need for Obama’s speech earlier this week – how do we break down walls and begin to discuss mommy issues openly and open-minded? There has to be something between the working woman’s manifesto and the Über-Christian stay-at-home mom. But what?
3 Responses
March 20th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Laura it’s a matter ot time and which side of the fence you’re standing on at the moment. But I can’t tell you that you won’t feel excluded or treated differently by people who have a different lifestyle than you do.
I was a young mom when we moved to DC and my husband went back to school. My daughters were one and four. Newly planted in a new place I tried to get to know the moms in the area by going to NOW meetings (hey it was the 70s) and women’s groups.
When the women heard that I did free-lance work at home while my children were young I became less interesting to talk to. It was as clear and there was not much done to hide it.
So here we are in a time in which more women are opting out of the corporate world instead of the other way around. You’re sure to feel the judgments coming from some corners, let’s not kid ourselves. But what you do needs to be best for your daughter and you; your family.
You’re prepared for it and have thought your decision through. At the same time, I know you’re a smart cookie and will be careful not to take what anyone says too seriously or read things into comments that weren’t meant to be taken negatively. We’re pulling for you.
April 3rd, 2008 at 3:03 am
You have to revise your opinion. Repeating this nuttery misses your point. Give us proofs. Not just with words, but with deeds.
April 3rd, 2008 at 6:44 pm
I so understand your desire to love your daughter and love your work. We didn’t stop at one, we had three! I work part time, but that may need to change so I can formalize the longer hours I work.
I enjoyed my time on parental leave, helping out with the community and doing the playgroup thing. I just know that I do the corporate thing well too. I hope I can continue, with the right support in place. It’s a balancing act and I think it’s a matter of assessing the dynamics every so often, to make sure it continues to work for all of us as they get older.
Each of us has a destiny/purpose to fulfill, each destiny is different. I wouldn’t trade places with my SAHM friends right now, and I’m sure they wouldn’t want to trade with me!